BLOG_2019_08_08_Accepting the Gift of Criticism
Accepting the "GIFT" of Criticism
8 AUGUST 2019
Most of us can accept compliments. Some of us can accept suggestions. One or two of us can bend our minds around a completely new idea.
But when it comes to criticism, that’s where most of us shut the door and hang up the “closed” sign. After all, who wants to hear the sentence beginning with, “You want to know what your problem is?” or “If only you would just change (fill in the blank) about yourself”?
Few people learn how to accept (or give) criticism gracefully as they are growing up. Many may have been criticized harshly or told things for their “own good” that were hurtful rather than helpful. We learn to dread anything that seems judgmental or critical.
Yet, if we can learn to truly listen to criticism about ourselves, we open the door to possibility. Learning to accept and use criticism can be one of the most constructive and profound tools to change us and improve our relationships with others. Not only can we learn more about who we are and how others see us, but we may also learn that it’s okay not to be perfect. And, as a bonus, we will likely learn that people will love us anyway, warts and all.
Criticism as Opportunity
Bernie Siegel, author and physician, writes that criticism is an opportunity to become a better person. “When you feel inadequate or imperfect, criticism is threatening and makes you feel you have to defend yourself. When you are secure—not perfect, but secure—you can listen to the criticism and consider its value.”
Byron Katie, author of Loving What Is, calls criticism “a powerful tool for self-realization and growth.” She suggests that when we are criticized for being wrong, unkind, uncaring, etc., we should ask ourselves if the criticism is true. If we can accept the truth without stress or pain, we free ourselves from trying to hide who we are from others. We know our faults and accept them and, therefore, criticism from others cannot hurt us. “When you are genuinely humble, there is no place for criticism to stick,” she writes.
Learning from Our Children
Parents are often among the most criticized group of people. Their parenting choices are targeted by relatives, other parents, strangers and parenting “experts.” And when their children are old enough to speak, they join in the chorus! But of all the voices, it may be our children who offer us the most valuable criticism because they see us at our most vulnerable and unguarded. Children—especially teens—will tell us exactly what they think, in unadorned, sometimes painfully honest, language. If we are able as parents to drop our authority roles and our belief that we know better because we are older/wiser/better, we can learn some awe-inspiring truths about ourselves. (And yes, it will hurt at times!) By doing this, we also model the art of accepting criticism—a valuable skill for our children as they grow up.
Questions to Ask Yourself
Don Powell, Ph.D of the American Institute for Preventive Medicine (AIPM) writes that sometimes criticism—the right kind of criticism—is just what we need to make important changes. In an AIPM handbook, Dr. Powell outlines the following questions to ask ourselves when working with criticism:
Does the criticism seem reasonable? Is there some truth to what was said?
- Perhaps you should pay attention to the remark.
Have I been criticized by other people on the same issue?
- If so, maybe it warrants attention.
Does the person making the critical remark know what he or she is talking about?
- If he or she is a self-appointed critic-at-large, ignore the remark.
Was the remark really directed at me, or was the critic venting general frustration, anger, or bitterness at something over which I have no control?
- If criticism stems from general dissatisfaction, let it slide.
Is the criticism based on a difference of opinion?
- If so, don’t overreact and don’t take it personally.
If you decide there is some truth to the criticism, you are on the path to taking positive stepsto make changes in your behavior or outlook. Being able to hear and absorb criticism without anger or defensiveness helps make the path that much smoother.
